You're jealous because the voices in my head don't speak to you.
of 31 votes, 35% like it
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A book never written: Basic Reading For Dummies
of 25 votes, 48% like it
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My doctor tells me I'm beautiful on the inside.
of 33 votes, 52% like it
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All the king's horses and men agreed Humpty Dumpty was delicious.
of 32 votes, 44% like it
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I drink to dehydration.
of 23 votes, 43% like it
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Killing reptiles is cold blood murder.
of 28 votes, 57% like it
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You can speak softly, but carry a big megaphone.
of 29 votes, 48% like it
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Curiosity killed the cat, but natural selection killed the mouse.
of 32 votes, 63% like it
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Confetti is great for saying, ''Surprise, I made a big mess!''
of 31 votes, 61% like it
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In case of emergency, run around screaming hysterically.
of 32 votes, 69% like it
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Fresh air isn't that fresh after all.
of 26 votes, 46% like it
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Never take advice, only tips.
of 27 votes, 56% like it
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Our unalienable rights are what protect us from UFOs.
of 33 votes, 55% like it
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Shape shifters make geometry class easy.
of 30 votes, 53% like it
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Many hands make lots of shadow puppets.
of 26 votes, 42% like it
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Where there's a will there's an attorney.
of 25 votes, 48% like it
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Whipping cream is cruel and unusual punishment.
of 33 votes, 42% like it
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Whipped cream is cruel and unusual punishment.
of 31 votes, 48% like it
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After this sentence will come the future.
of 27 votes, 44% like it
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Subtraction makes all the difference.
of 28 votes, 64% like it
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Having cold feet is an indicator that you should put socks on.
of 27 votes, 56% like it
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I lie all the time, honestly.
of 30 votes, 53% like it
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Digestion takes some real guts.
of 45 votes, 44% like it
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Green Eggs & Ham sounds like bad case of food poisoning.
of 34 votes, 59% like it
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A decade ago, I was ten years younger.
of 33 votes, 64% like it
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I hear anger management is all the rage.
of 38 votes, 61% like it
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Crime doesn't pay, it entertains.
of 33 votes, 58% like it
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A million bucks isn't made by hard work. It's made by a machine.
of 32 votes, 56% like it
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Commas save lives: Let's go eat, grandpa. Let's go eat grandpa.
of 29 votes, 59% like it
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I need to Ctrl+F something to do.
of 31 votes, 45% like it
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Mirrors tells me a lot about myself, and those behind me.
of 24 votes, 42% like it
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The tricks of the trade always fool me.
of 26 votes, 69% like it
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Let's watch paint dry.
of 28 votes, 68% like it
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Boo hiss can only mean one thing: ghost snakes
of 34 votes, 62% like it
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The mirror tells me a lot about myself, and those behind me.
of 30 votes, 53% like it
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The mirror tells me a lot about myself.
of 21 votes, 71% like it
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History is set in stone, that's why the books weigh so much.
of 38 votes, 50% like it
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I pride myself on not having an ego.
of 24 votes, 50% like it
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I never contradict myself, sometimes.
of 32 votes, 72% like it
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I pride myself in not having an ego.
of 33 votes, 76% like it
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Leonard the lion didn't make the cut for frosted flakes.
of 22 votes, 41% like it
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When light commits a crime they send him to prism.
of 33 votes, 55% like it
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For footnotes, see below.¹
of 36 votes, 47% like it
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There's a sucker born every minute. That's why we have lollypops.
of 27 votes, 52% like it
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The hills are alive with the sound of rockslides.
of 27 votes, 48% like it
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With great power comes great outlets.
of 31 votes, 45% like it
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I always thought French words were a little funné.
of 28 votes, 50% like it
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Reach for the stars, you're only 4.2 light years away.
of 31 votes, 65% like it
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In case of disaster, run around screaming hysterically.
of 28 votes, 50% like it
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Rhetorical question, what's that?
of 25 votes, 52% like it
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The universe pretty much covers everything.
of 32 votes, 50% like it
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Give them an inch and they'll take your ruler.
of 29 votes, 52% like it
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The number one cause of death is death.
of 31 votes, 52% like it
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JavaScript is when I pour coffee on my work papers.
of 31 votes, 52% like it
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I'd work my magic, but I only get paid minimum wage.
of 41 votes, 51% like it
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Exercise: You can run, but you can't hide.
of 37 votes, 65% like it
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My stereotypes are AM and FM.
of 44 votes, 68% like it
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syntax a yoda problem has
of 26 votes, 58% like it
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Save on school supplies: take less notes
of 29 votes, 52% like it
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Stamps of approval cannot mail letters.
of 27 votes, 48% like it
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I locked the keys to the kingdom in the car.
of 27 votes, 63% like it
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I can multiply, divide, and conquer.
of 35 votes, 63% like it
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Dictionaries are all full of words.
of 30 votes, 60% like it
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Pie charts need a little more apple.
of 25 votes, 52% like it
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I wish Edit>>Undo worked in real life.
of 31 votes, 55% like it
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Ice is the coolest thing since sliced bread.
of 31 votes, 58% like it
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Curiosity killed the cat, but chocolate killed the dog.
of 40 votes, 63% like it
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Predictability is best served late and cold.
of 35 votes, 51% like it
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I'm like the Little Engine That Could But Never Got Around To It.
of 40 votes, 58% like it
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Misquoting is the root of all evil.
of 46 votes, 52% like it
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Meet me in the middle, and you'll find my belly button.
of 35 votes, 60% like it
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I miss the good ol' days like coloring and recess.
of 37 votes, 62% like it
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Inside jokes are meant to be told with twelve inch voices.
of 27 votes, 56% like it
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Mr. Jay Walker isn't your everyday pedestrian.
of 32 votes, 75% like it
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When all else fails, you win!
of 43 votes, 67% like it
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Celebrate differences! Do some subtraction!
of 32 votes, 53% like it
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I'd rewrite history, but I already wrote it once.
of 35 votes, 57% like it
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I choose multiple answers on multiple choice tests.
of 38 votes, 53% like it
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Lightning does strikes twice; just try the electrical socket.
of 33 votes, 52% like it
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My definition of tragedy is reading King Leer.
of 32 votes, 56% like it
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If you have a Bluetooth, I'd recommend you go to the dentist.
of 42 votes, 60% like it
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I eat dictionaries to increase vocabulary and daily fiber intake.
of 39 votes, 54% like it
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Waldo seriously needs to get a day job.
of 38 votes, 66% like it
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Moving up in life means getting out of the basement.
of 53 votes, 62% like it
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Being "in the zone" got me a traffic violation.
of 48 votes, 65% like it
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I had enough energy to get dressed. That's it. (sloppy lettering)
of 44 votes, 61% like it
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It's all water under the bridge, except for the troll.
of 42 votes, 79% like it
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Waldo needs to grow up and stop playing hide-and-seek.
of 53 votes, 53% like it
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Senior high was the worst 6 years of my life.
of 43 votes, 53% like it
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Me and my notebooks agree: College Rules
of 46 votes, 65% like it
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Death comes to those who wait.
of 43 votes, 63% like it
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Load the dice, because I'm out of bullets.
of 35 votes, 54% like it
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The leopard can't change its spots, but the chameleon can.
of 38 votes, 68% like it
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I'd bend over backwards, but I'm no contortionist.
of 44 votes, 52% like it
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Where there's a will, there's a power of attorney.
of 45 votes, 60% like it
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The birds and the bees aren't the only ones doing it.
of 40 votes, 58% like it
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There's more than one way to skin a cat, but most are illegal.
of 48 votes, 73% like it
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Wish upon a shooting star, and pray it's not a meteor.
of 50 votes, 60% like it
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Sleep comes to those who rest.
of 43 votes, 60% like it
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Thanks to calendars, finding dates has become a lot easier.
of 55 votes, 73% like it
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Super Glue: The Hero of Art and Craft Supplies
of 41 votes, 59% like it
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Detention puts you in a class all by yourself.
of 52 votes, 67% like it
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Pancakes: (pi)(r^2)(h) of yummy goodness
of 36 votes, 53% like it
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Never bring scissors to a rock fight.
of 43 votes, 74% like it
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I haven't lost my marbles. I've temporarily misplaced them.
of 41 votes, 59% like it
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Always bring paper to a rock fight.
of 53 votes, 51% like it
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Never argue with a 90 degree angle. It's always right.
of 63 votes, 75% like it
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You might know Pythagoras' theorem, but do you know his birthday?
of 38 votes, 53% like it
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I can reed, but I can't right.
of 44 votes, 64% like it
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I roll with the punches, and tumble and fall.
of 47 votes, 51% like it
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My doctor said that I am beautiful on the inside.
of 55 votes, 73% like it
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Books were quite a novel idea at the time.
of 58 votes, 52% like it
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Headbutts are a lose-lose situation.
of 53 votes, 55% like it
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The right and left atriums are the ways to anyone's heart.
of 45 votes, 60% like it
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Don't hurt me. I'm just the sidekick.
of 47 votes, 72% like it
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My decision making process involves rocks, paper, and scissors.
of 44 votes, 52% like it
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If Earth runs out of room, there is always more space.
of 45 votes, 51% like it
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Caffeine, sugar, and sleep are all interchangeable.
of 38 votes, 63% like it
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When Push Comes To Shove, It's Time To Try Pulling.
of 55 votes, 58% like it
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Great minds think alike, because they know telepathy.
of 34 votes, 65% like it
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If you bite the hand that feeds you, make sure you eat it.
of 55 votes, 49% like it
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We all have the right to bear arms. I just hope mine are grizzly.
of 57 votes, 58% like it
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What was Humpty Dumpty doing on the wall in the first place?
of 45 votes, 56% like it
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If the pieces don't fit, get the hammer.
of 55 votes, 64% like it
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I wish life was like tetris; line up things, and they go away.
of 52 votes, 63% like it
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Millions of years of evolution and all we got were thumbs.
of 55 votes, 62% like it
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Look on the bright side. It's easier to see than the dark side.
of 53 votes, 64% like it
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I enjoy staying up late to finish counting the sheep.
of 49 votes, 55% like it
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Einstein liked to trim his mustache with Occam's razor.
of 42 votes, 52% like it
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Now You See Me (regular ink) Now You Don't (glow ink)
of 63 votes, 62% like it
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What goes around, comes around... and around. (belt print)
of 59 votes, 69% like it
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I am just shy of being anti-social.
of 58 votes, 53% like it
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I burned a CD, but all I got was ashes.
of 50 votes, 54% like it
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Advertise here. Reasonable Prices. See shirt owner for details.
of 59 votes, 56% like it
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I jigsaw puzzles to make them fit.
of 46 votes, 54% like it
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A book never written: How to Read
of 49 votes, 59% like it
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I'm physically fit when I can physically fit into my clothes.
of 40 votes, 58% like it
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Tweeting is for the birds.
of 59 votes, 73% like it
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Save a tree. Kidnap a lumberjack.
of 62 votes, 71% like it
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White out is for those who can't live up to their mistakes.
of 48 votes, 67% like it
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Gnomes come in all colors, shapes, and sizes, except tall.
of 56 votes, 68% like it
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Some people have a peace of mind. I would rather have a whole one
of 49 votes, 55% like it
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All's fair in love and war until someone pulls out a love potion.
of 49 votes, 53% like it
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Blame Your Problems On The Economy And Everyone Will Understand
of 47 votes, 60% like it
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Life is what you make it. Well, I say make a sandwich.
of 44 votes, 68% like it
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If a picture is worth a thousand words, Photoshop is spellcheck.
of 64 votes, 77% like it
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Accidents usually occur in areas of little or no common sense.
of 53 votes, 60% like it
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If we are what we eat, then I would eat myself.
of 52 votes, 63% like it
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A cephalopod dies everytime someone eats calamari.
of 41 votes, 56% like it
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Some people like to play on words. I would rather play on grass.
of 60 votes, 77% like it
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Geology is not rocket science. It's just rock science.
of 56 votes, 73% like it
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Astrophysics is not rocket science. It's astrophysics.
of 47 votes, 66% like it
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Mullets: Getting half a hair cut for full price
of 63 votes, 67% like it
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The odds are great... and so are the evens.
of 59 votes, 64% like it
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I'm the complete package minus some things.
of 70 votes, 73% like it
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If I had a golden opportunity, I would sell it for the money.
of 55 votes, 62% like it
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What was PBS thinking? You can't actually read rainbows.
of 55 votes, 56% like it
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We all need to believe in something. I believe in beer.
of 42 votes, 48% like it
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Sierra Echo Charlie Romeo Echo Tango Charlie Oscar Delta Echo
of 62 votes, 65% like it
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The only thing good about mornings is I sleep through them.
of 50 votes, 62% like it
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I just fulfilled my dream, by crushing yours.
of 65 votes, 75% like it
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Criticism is like murder with sharpened tongues and pointed pens.
of 48 votes, 56% like it
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Whether a planet or not, Pluto is still hardcore.
of 49 votes, 47% like it
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I make my own luck. I tape extra leaves to my clovers.
of 57 votes, 68% like it
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Call Me Old Fashioned, But I Only Drink From Goblets And Chalices
of 55 votes, 60% like it
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If Cupcakes Are Made In Pans, Why Aren't They Called Pancakes?
of 50 votes, 50% like it
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If you can't beat them, copy them.
of 49 votes, 51% like it
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