My intellect is always taken for granite.
of 50 votes, 34% like it
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Laughter is infectious. And I am sick of it.
of 56 votes, 41% like it
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I like to pretend the vacuum is just a very hungry hippo.
of 61 votes, 67% like it
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Archaeology is just fine, but there's no future in it.
of 70 votes, 81% like it
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Dear Future Self: I hope you get back in time.
of 67 votes, 67% like it
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Substitute teachers have no class.
of 80 votes, 71% like it
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I prefer to be greeted with a firm milkshake.
of 97 votes, 73% like it
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I hoped my thought collection would fetch a better price.
of 62 votes, 76% like it
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"Life is more interesting with narration," I thought.
of 110 votes, 86% like it
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I don't make excuses. It's too hard.
of 86 votes, 76% like it
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I was an anarchist, but no one ever came to the meetings.
of 92 votes, 83% like it
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It's funny how these statements never end up being funny.
of 69 votes, 68% like it
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This is not a victory lap. I was really this far behind.
of 145 votes, 78% like it
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I play board games to break the monopoly.
of 154 votes, 76% like it
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If we separate whites and colors, the haters win.
of 139 votes, 75% like it
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TAKE A STAND. But please return it when you are finished.
of 141 votes, 70% like it
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I don't hold a grudge. I throw it like a deadly spear.
of 205 votes, 83% like it
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Strangers are just friends we would rather not speak to.
of 159 votes, 72% like it
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Abbreviation is a long word. Long is a short word. Discuss.
of 186 votes, 76% like it
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My art is so profound, even I don't understand it.
of 166 votes, 70% like it
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Note To Self: Stop writing on shirts.
of 151 votes, 64% like it
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Nothing starts with N.
of 178 votes, 70% like it
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Fads aren't what they used to be.
of 163 votes, 66% like it
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Dear History: We heard you the first time.
of 190 votes, 76% like it
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I have an open door policy. Also, I can't find my stereo.
of 195 votes, 73% like it
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If I am napping, the President is in danger.
of 163 votes, 55% like it
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Hospital Delivery Rooms: Too much shouting, not enough pizza.
of 49 votes, 65% like it
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It's a good thing I learned cursive. I'll need it when I'm older.
of 149 votes, 60% like it
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I suspect kickboxing was originally just called cheating.
of 193 votes, 67% like it
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Dear Monsters: Per our negotiations, find a turkey under my bed.
of 147 votes, 61% like it
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Once the gloves come off, that means I'm done baking.
of 171 votes, 69% like it
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A good ruler should be firm and fair. Preferably wooden.
of 203 votes, 71% like it
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Axe me about annoying pronunciation issues.
of 110 votes, 60% like it
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Family comes first. But nothing comes before aardvark.
of 193 votes, 71% like it
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Nobody gets nostalgic anymore.
of 115 votes, 61% like it
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Dear God: I asked for SUPER VISION. Apparently, I was unclear.
of 180 votes, 68% like it
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Angel or not, there is hair in my pasta.
of 204 votes, 56% like it
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I found God; now I get to hide.
of 173 votes, 66% like it
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Bears don't eat porridge; they eat nosy little girls.
of 207 votes, 62% like it
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Careful, I learned martial arts from a rat in a bath robe.
of 237 votes, 66% like it
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I hope inflammable means what I think it means.
of 196 votes, 53% like it
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The road less traveled by is littered with lost poets.
of 237 votes, 59% like it
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Slow children should not be playing near the road.
of 244 votes, 60% like it
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Friends actually let friends do lots of stupid things.
of 286 votes, 73% like it
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