If this were a horror film, one of us would be murdered by now.
of 35 votes, 37% like it
|
I still have no idea what the hokey pokey is all about.
of 44 votes, 45% like it
|
I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of my secret lair.
of 58 votes, 40% like it
|
|
Warning: may be uncaffeinated. Approach at your own risk.
of 64 votes, 41% like it
|
1. Stop. 2. Smell roses. 3. Mistakenly provoke bees. 4. Run.
of 52 votes, 42% like it
|
Eat the mushroom. Storm the castle. Save the princess. Repeat.
of 77 votes, 42% like it
|
|
A blurry picture is worth 200-300 words.
of 46 votes, 50% like it
|
Astrology causes cancer in every 1 out of 12 months.
of 48 votes, 40% like it
|
In space, screaming seems like more trouble than it's worth.
of 40 votes, 43% like it
|
|
Sleepwalking is the easiest form of exercise.
of 42 votes, 50% like it
|
I practice delayed hypnotism. Sooner or later, you'll get sleepy.
of 47 votes, 38% like it
|
Note to self: find a more practical place to put these notes.
of 55 votes, 51% like it
|
|
I have friends in high places. Pilots and astronauts, mostly.
of 58 votes, 48% like it
|
The 8-bit era: when solving your problems meant jumping on them.
of 44 votes, 48% like it
|
I know human carpal bones like the back of my hand.
of 43 votes, 37% like it
|
|
Lightning is always stealing my thunder.
of 51 votes, 45% like it
|
Compromise means leaving the toilet seat at a 45-degree angle.
of 47 votes, 45% like it
|
If everything goes according to plan, today will end at midnight.
of 43 votes, 51% like it
|
|
Artists are always going back to the drawing board.
of 43 votes, 44% like it
|
Curiosity let me live so I could tell all of you about the cat.
of 45 votes, 44% like it
|
In the heat of the moment, I get sweaty.
of 40 votes, 43% like it
|
|
Everyone's future looks brighter at dawn.
of 43 votes, 37% like it
|
When the odds are against me, I get the evens to back me up.
of 50 votes, 36% like it
|
A handshake is just a thumb war waiting to happen.
of 53 votes, 53% like it
|
|
The Cartesian coordinate system is where I draw the line.
of 38 votes, 37% like it
|
Literacy tag. You're it.
of 36 votes, 36% like it
|
Once upon a time, there was an abrupt ending.
of 44 votes, 43% like it
|
|
I only look like an underachiever if you compare me to others.
of 46 votes, 39% like it
|
A desert is just a beach without the fun.
of 50 votes, 52% like it
|
Acronyms: sometimes they are helpful, and STAN.
of 48 votes, 50% like it
|
|
I'm just a clone. The original will be back tomorrow.
of 39 votes, 41% like it
|
Chess taught me that all queens are unstoppable killing machines.
of 54 votes, 50% like it
|
Actually, the best defense is an impenetrable energy shield.
of 55 votes, 51% like it
|
|
Down with the y-axis.
of 48 votes, 42% like it
|
Transparent plastic spheres. That's how hamsters roll.
of 57 votes, 56% like it
|
I want to go to Narnia but my wardrobe keeps sending me here.
of 53 votes, 53% like it
|
|
You see a dead body, I see a potential soldier for my zombie army
of 49 votes, 49% like it
|
Get lost. And while you're there, try to find my missing socks.
of 47 votes, 51% like it
|
You found me! Okay, now you go hide.
of 43 votes, 49% like it
|
|
When in doubt, distract everyone and run.
of 50 votes, 50% like it
|
Judge a book by its movie. Using the cover is a last resort.
of 51 votes, 51% like it
|
It's not whether you win or lose, but how you annoy your opponent
of 37 votes, 43% like it
|
|
Due to food allergies, it is no longer peanut butter jelly time.
of 48 votes, 52% like it
|
How to be condescending. Step 1: as if you don't already know.
of 49 votes, 51% like it
|
It's the middle of the world as we know it.
of 41 votes, 46% like it
|
|
A rhombus is too hip to be square.
of 42 votes, 48% like it
|
The only thing I'm sure of is my own uncertainty.
of 49 votes, 53% like it
|
History: like now, but dustier.
of 50 votes, 54% like it
|
|
By day, I'm a mild-mannered reporter. By night, I'm asleep.
of 57 votes, 54% like it
|
The big bad wolf was framed. It's all little pig propaganda.
of 49 votes, 47% like it
|
Probably daydreaming. Do not disturb.
of 58 votes, 53% like it
|
|
I grew up only because there was no other alternative.
of 59 votes, 54% like it
|
I deserve a chance. Or, at the very least, a community chest.
of 60 votes, 52% like it
|
Revenge is a dish best thrown violently across the room.
of 70 votes, 54% like it
|
|
I offer you the gift of indecisiveness. Take it or leave it.
of 49 votes, 49% like it
|
I hate generalizations. Every single one.
of 73 votes, 59% like it
|
Two out of every three little pigs live in unsafe homes.
of 57 votes, 47% like it
|
|
When the going gets tough, complaining makes me feel better.
of 63 votes, 51% like it
|
Behind every successful person is me. Watching. Waiting.
of 61 votes, 54% like it
|
Shirt advertising space for rent. Now accepting applications.
of 54 votes, 39% like it
|
|
This human specimen is made from 100% recycled genetic materials.
of 55 votes, 45% like it
|
Sticks and stones don't hurt as much as a heavy encyclopedia.
of 58 votes, 50% like it
|
Philosophers search for meaning, while I just use a dictionary.
of 66 votes, 59% like it
|
|
All people are not created equal. That's why we have shirt sizes.
of 64 votes, 55% like it
|
There's a time for talk and a time for professional wrestling.
of 50 votes, 54% like it
|
A funhouse on fire is all smoke and mirrors.
of 47 votes, 47% like it
|
|
This air guitar I'm holding once belonged to one of the Beatles.
of 44 votes, 50% like it
|
I liked water before it went mainstream.
of 72 votes, 63% like it
|
Treehuggers discriminate against cacti.
of 74 votes, 70% like it
|
|
My last fortune cookie predicted I would eat it.
of 54 votes, 50% like it
|
We are what we eat, so I ate a happy person this morning.
of 74 votes, 57% like it
|
My best ideas happen underneath light bulbs.
of 59 votes, 56% like it
|
|
Why walk when you can run in slow motion?
of 72 votes, 65% like it
|
Hitting rock bottom is the most sedimentary form of spanking.
of 47 votes, 43% like it
|
At last, this holographic projection of myself has been perfected
of 45 votes, 49% like it
|
|
Try not to blink. My moments of excellence are short and rare.
of 62 votes, 52% like it
|
Bermuda: the only place basic geometry can kill you.
of 68 votes, 56% like it
|
When the moon hits your eye like a big anything, that's death.
of 53 votes, 51% like it
|
|
Grapes don't strike me as a notoriously wrathful fruit.
of 64 votes, 50% like it
|
am·ne·sia [am-nee-zhuh] -noun: 1. (entry blank)
of 55 votes, 47% like it
|
Stay off my shadow. I just had it cleaned.
of 49 votes, 43% like it
|
|
Believe in yourself. And while you're at it, believe in vampires.
of 61 votes, 38% like it
|
Life without a thesaurus is redundant, redundant and redundant.
of 69 votes, 52% like it
|
Just pretend I'm not here. Eavesdropping works best that way.
of 62 votes, 44% like it
|
|
Clowns: because the world isn't scary enough on its own.
of 66 votes, 48% like it
|
I feel like I'm being watched. And read.
of 83 votes, 59% like it
|
Daer cereal, plaese birng bcak deocder rigns.
of 61 votes, 38% like it
|
|
Giving a time machine to a ghost will come back to haunt you.
of 63 votes, 48% like it
|
Don't worry, I don't understand me, either.
of 68 votes, 38% like it
|
Blink if you love symmetry.
of 64 votes, 55% like it
|
|
Always remember the 3 Rs: reading, riting, and r-tistic license.
of 56 votes, 30% like it
|
Slow and steady wins the Worst Race Strategy Ever award.
of 79 votes, 57% like it
|
My grammatical anxiety is way past tense.
of 71 votes, 49% like it
|
|
Repetition is as easy as 1, 1, 1.
of 83 votes, 52% like it
|
We all have faults, but mine keep causing earthquakes.
of 74 votes, 51% like it
|
Today is a race. The first person to get to tomorrow wins.
of 65 votes, 42% like it
|
|
Walking is considered a dance move on the moon.
of 81 votes, 57% like it
|
Math creates all kinds of problems.
of 79 votes, 54% like it
|
My imagination is limitless, like a super cool limitless thing.
of 76 votes, 58% like it
|
|
Echoes always get the last laugh.
of 89 votes, 60% like it
|
I can't even kill one bird with a stone.
of 81 votes, 57% like it
|
If we all scream at once, ice cream should appear.
of 83 votes, 55% like it
|
|
Anatomically speaking, we're all self-centered.
of 77 votes, 55% like it
|
My pet peeves died after I forgot to feed them.
of 85 votes, 55% like it
|
Look on the bright side, but don't underestimate the dark side.
of 81 votes, 54% like it
|
|
If you'd like to see my profile, walk around to my side.
of 76 votes, 57% like it
|
When an unstoppable force meets an immovable object, film it.
of 75 votes, 56% like it
|
Talk to me and you can have a cameo in my autobiography.
of 66 votes, 48% like it
|
|
Paranoia has no known cure. Be very afraid.
of 69 votes, 55% like it
|
I have Attention Surplus Disorder, and you have 487 eyelashes.
of 70 votes, 53% like it
|
If I'd been in charge, Rome would've been built in a day.
of 72 votes, 57% like it
|
|
I can stop a bullet, I just can't stop the subsequent bleeding.
of 91 votes, 68% like it
|
Some people are spoiled. Don't eat those.
of 95 votes, 69% like it
|
Nihilism hasn't taught me a thing.
of 68 votes, 50% like it
|
|
Losing your mind is the easiest way to drop a few pounds.
of 73 votes, 53% like it
|
Always wear a helmet when throwing caution to the wind.
of 58 votes, 47% like it
|
Stay alert, there's a ninja in my shadow.
of 70 votes, 46% like it
|
|
The only reason I'm here is because I'm lost.
of 72 votes, 44% like it
|
I brake for negative acceleration.
of 60 votes, 48% like it
|
I fight wars with my thumbs.
of 61 votes, 49% like it
|
|
Violence has to be the answer to at least one thing around here.
of 92 votes, 62% like it
|
Confusion says: what?
of 70 votes, 40% like it
|
I'm not a bad egg, but I may be a little scrambled.
of 62 votes, 55% like it
|
|
I'm always on top of the world. If I were in it, I'd be dead.
of 62 votes, 42% like it
|
When the tables start to turn, I check for poltergeists.
of 64 votes, 47% like it
|
Everybody was not kung fu fighting.
of 68 votes, 51% like it
|
|
Isaac Newton knew how to use the force.
of 65 votes, 51% like it
|
There's no such thing as a stupid question?
of 58 votes, 45% like it
|
We're not supposed to interact. I'm a part of your background.
of 58 votes, 52% like it
|
|
Expecting the unexpected gave me a headache I did not expect.
of 61 votes, 52% like it
|
Zeus stole my thunder.
of 66 votes, 48% like it
|
Anything's possible, especially during a hallucination.
of 57 votes, 53% like it
|
|
I am geek, hear me play roar.mp3
of 61 votes, 54% like it
|
Talk is cheap, but shouting is more entertaining.
of 67 votes, 52% like it
|
I got lost on my way back to square one.
of 53 votes, 49% like it
|
|
Ask me about my crippling shyness.
of 84 votes, 57% like it
|
Flying is as easy as not falling.
of 63 votes, 38% like it
|
I took the road less travelled by, and that's when I got mugged.
of 74 votes, 55% like it
|
|
Tired of organizations? Join the club.
of 102 votes, 57% like it
|
I live vicariously through my imaginary friends.
of 69 votes, 48% like it
|
(eject button) (self-destruct button) Don't push my buttons.
of 67 votes, 39% like it
|
|
Crime was right up my alley until I moved to a nicer neighborhood
of 85 votes, 56% like it
|
To make a long story short, stop talking.
of 103 votes, 65% like it
|
A radioactive spider bit me but all I got was super itchy.
of 89 votes, 55% like it
|
|
According to the most recent lion polls, you are delicious.
of 74 votes, 46% like it
|
You are what you eat, and I just ate a book of cliches.
of 82 votes, 54% like it
|
X marks the 24th spot in the alphabet.
of 81 votes, 49% like it
|
|
I've got half a mind to rule the world. The other half wants pie.
of 82 votes, 56% like it
|
Daydreaming, it frees up my nights.
of 69 votes, 49% like it
|
All the world's a stage, but I got stuck doing costume design.
of 72 votes, 47% like it
|
|
4 of my 5 fingers agree. The thumb remains opposed.
of 93 votes, 61% like it
|
Puns make the world groan loud.
of 65 votes, 42% like it
|
If I spontaneously implode, tell everyone it was extremely cool.
of 71 votes, 51% like it
|
|
According to the dictionary, enough really is enough.
of 68 votes, 56% like it
|
You take the high road and I'll take the secret subway system.
of 80 votes, 55% like it
|
Ambition: talking about the things you're too lazy to do.
of 72 votes, 56% like it
|
|
I seized the day and now it's pressing charges.
of 89 votes, 58% like it
|
The kid in me wants candy, but the werewolf in me wants the kid.
of 88 votes, 56% like it
|
I've killed time before and I'll do it again.
of 93 votes, 61% like it
|
|
A penny for my thoughts, ideas, and emotions. Everything must go.
of 78 votes, 58% like it
|
I started the bandwagon bandwagon.
of 58 votes, 40% like it
|
Watch out for ceiling fans when you reach for the stars.
of 61 votes, 39% like it
|
|
I'm from five minutes into the future. Not much happens.
of 87 votes, 57% like it
|
The itsy bitsy spider eventually fatigued and drowned.
of 66 votes, 39% like it
|
I look forward to the future, because that's where it is.
of 64 votes, 42% like it
|
|
Sleeping in is my way of living the dream.
of 73 votes, 55% like it
|
Simon told me to tell you to hop on one foot.
of 63 votes, 48% like it
|
Sleeves are for the weak.
of 59 votes, 36% like it
|
|
Honesty is the least profitable policy.
of 68 votes, 53% like it
|
Inflation stopped being fun when it no longer applied to balloons
of 73 votes, 55% like it
|
If you're thinking what I'm thinking, neither of us is thinking.
of 63 votes, 49% like it
|
|
Hard work can only get you so far. A jetpack can get you farther.
of 90 votes, 58% like it
|
This town ain't big enough for two colliding, unstoppable forces.
of 60 votes, 48% like it
|
I have fantastic ideas until I say them out loud.
of 78 votes, 54% like it
|
|
Reincarnation made me a better person. Then it made me a duck.
of 105 votes, 66% like it
|
Homonyms all sound the same to me.
of 90 votes, 60% like it
|
The people I know are stranger than strangers.
of 59 votes, 49% like it
|
|
The first step is admitting that my problem is your fault.
of 74 votes, 46% like it
|
If you can read this, then you can probably read this, too.
of 73 votes, 45% like it
|
There's an excuse for my behavior, but it was stolen by pirates.
of 66 votes, 41% like it
|
|
Copyright laws require that I rock you like a typhoon or cyclone.
of 80 votes, 46% like it
|
Bring me a dictionary. Then we'll see what's what.
of 72 votes, 53% like it
|
Wizards know the best curse words.
of 80 votes, 58% like it
|
|
Warning: you're being warned.
of 72 votes, 50% like it
|
Every breath you take has a little bit of mine in it. Creepy.
of 66 votes, 53% like it
|
I'm not childish, YOU are.
of 86 votes, 57% like it
|
|
I don't run from problems. Driving is faster and easier.
of 81 votes, 57% like it
|
Join the pacifist revolution or die. Eventually. Of old age.
of 80 votes, 53% like it
|
Black holes suck at everything.
of 91 votes, 59% like it
|
|
Hard work and determination go against everything I sit for.
of 75 votes, 52% like it
|
I'm usually happy, but sometimes I'm one of the other six dwarfs.
of 66 votes, 48% like it
|
Pangaea brings everyone together.
of 67 votes, 46% like it
|
|
Ignorance is bliss, so you probably didn't want to know that.
of 78 votes, 54% like it
|
Thank you, Waldo, wherever you are.
of 65 votes, 40% like it
|
Living on the edge is what led to Humpty's downfall.
of 69 votes, 54% like it
|
|
Nice to meet you, unless we know each other. Then welcome back.
of 66 votes, 48% like it
|
Danger will be my middle name once I complete the necessary forms
of 76 votes, 54% like it
|
Infinity isn't so great. I've seen larger abstract concepts.
of 68 votes, 51% like it
|
|
Checkmate, gin, bingo, yahtzee, shotgun, and infinity + 1. I win.
of 62 votes, 40% like it
|
A rose by any other name is having an identity crisis.
of 71 votes, 41% like it
|
I see a reverse psychologist to keep my happiness in check.
of 61 votes, 39% like it
|
|
As an optimist, I believe pessimism has a lot of potential.
of 91 votes, 60% like it
|
My imagination tends to run away with itself and come back drunk.
of 65 votes, 48% like it
|
We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And lions. And ebola.
of 64 votes, 52% like it
|
|
Life is short, but commercial breaks make it seem longer.
of 74 votes, 55% like it
|
(ink) I might be a vampire. (uv ink) Okay, I'm not a vampire.
of 67 votes, 48% like it
|
Knowing is half the battle. Remembering is the other half.
of 72 votes, 54% like it
|
|
Reality has outdated graphics. You don't look realistic at all.
of 63 votes, 46% like it
|
If the sky's the limit, the moon landing was faked.
of 68 votes, 53% like it
|
Violence is always the answer when you're holding a dodgeball.
of 70 votes, 49% like it
|
|
Condescension is an unfortunate side-effect of my superiority.
of 73 votes, 51% like it
|
There's a lot of subjectivity in my honest opinion.
of 64 votes, 42% like it
|
Kleptomania turns ordinary items into wicked swag.
of 71 votes, 44% like it
|
|
I take absurdism very seriously.
of 57 votes, 47% like it
|
If I had a nickel for...whatever, just give me some nickels.
of 70 votes, 51% like it
|
I jump to denouements and just walk to conclusions from there.
of 56 votes, 52% like it
|
|
The dictionary gets 'exciting' in Chapter 5.
of 56 votes, 52% like it
|
Those who forget the past are doomed to lose at Trivial Pursuit.
of 66 votes, 55% like it
|
I get through each day with kinetic energy.
of 54 votes, 52% like it
|
|
a loop without beginning or end is (belt print)
of 63 votes, 40% like it
|
I dressed myself today. (printed inside tee, worn inside-out)
of 75 votes, 45% like it
|
I'm pretty sure one of us is upside-down. (written upside-down)
of 64 votes, 53% like it
|
|
I'm trying to be inconspicuous, and you're not helping.
of 65 votes, 48% like it
|
You may be experiencing deja vu. (printed on front AND back)
of 68 votes, 49% like it
|
Urban myths should get out of the city more often.
of 67 votes, 45% like it
|
|
Every noun wants a piece of the action.
of 68 votes, 46% like it
|
I don't let cats out of bags. It's hard enough getting them in.
of 67 votes, 48% like it
|
Some people hit the ground running. I hit it falling.
of 61 votes, 48% like it
|
|
Ham radio does not make information delicious.
of 59 votes, 44% like it
|
I'm too disorganized for crime.
of 71 votes, 44% like it
|
Read this. Now this. Don't read this part. Read this, though.
of 75 votes, 45% like it
|
|
I break laws. Perpetual motion, anti-gravity, that kind of thing.
of 67 votes, 52% like it
|
Whatever doesn't kill you probably hurts a whole lot.
of 80 votes, 56% like it
|
Wow, this is a really vivid dream.
of 72 votes, 50% like it
|
|
Velcro will save us when gravity fails.
of 74 votes, 47% like it
|
Beware of cryptic warnings.
of 79 votes, 54% like it
|
You say tomato, I play the word association game.
of 71 votes, 39% like it
|
|
Been here, done this.
of 57 votes, 35% like it
|
Measure the universe before you claim I'm not its center.
of 67 votes, 54% like it
|
Suspenseful pauses attract tumbleweed.
of 60 votes, 40% like it
|
|
What goes up must come down, which is why I'm afraid of the moon.
of 64 votes, 36% like it
|
The best things in life are probably stolen.
of 60 votes, 40% like it
|
Patience is a virtue I can't wait to get.
of 71 votes, 54% like it
|
|
This is what an ovation would be like without all the clapping.
of 74 votes, 32% like it
|
All hail caffeine, keeper of mornings, maker of all-nighters.
of 74 votes, 47% like it
|
I can fly!...in a straight line, downward.
of 77 votes, 44% like it
|
|
Education taught me how to sleep in a chair.
of 83 votes, 49% like it
|
Stand back. I'm about to step forward.
of 73 votes, 48% like it
|
Light changes [uv ink] our perception [/uv] of reality.
of 74 votes, 36% like it
|
|
This human host is a slave to my cottony softness.
of 98 votes, 54% like it
|
Memory is a funny thing. I'm not quite sure why.
of 96 votes, 50% like it
|
Warning: reading may become more difficult asspacesdisappear.
of 99 votes, 35% like it
|
|
An accidental alliterated arrangement can appear almost anywhere.
of 93 votes, 43% like it
|
Opportunity knocked down my door and stole my TV.
of 95 votes, 41% like it
|
Arbitrary systems of evaluation have reached an all-time middle.
of 81 votes, 35% like it
|
|
Don't die: words to live by.
of 94 votes, 48% like it
|
Don't be silly. Be absolutely ridiculous.
of 112 votes, 57% like it
|
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I can throw them, too.
of 93 votes, 38% like it
|
|
I begin each day with a set of opening credits.
of 88 votes, 34% like it
|
I'd give up a dozen unicorns for a better grasp on reality.
of 100 votes, 48% like it
|
No more talk. It's time to finish this...with sign language.
of 94 votes, 39% like it
|
|
You chose the worst possible direction to sneak up on me.
of 134 votes, 58% like it
|
I excel at mediocrity.
of 105 votes, 46% like it
|
[pi symbol]: irrational, infinite, and surrounded by flaky crust.
of 118 votes, 54% like it
|
|
The gravity of our current situation is 9.8 m/s²
of 101 votes, 48% like it
|
Try to act as if you aren't secretly being filmed.
of 99 votes, 49% like it
|
I'm at peace with my inner child; my outer adult is the problem.
of 104 votes, 51% like it
|
|
Am I here yet?
of 88 votes, 32% like it
|
I'm a distraction!
of 90 votes, 34% like it
|
A few seconds of your time has just been intentionally wasted.
of 86 votes, 44% like it
|
|
Now you have to consciously think about breathing.
of 92 votes, 46% like it
|
I conform in order to distinguish myself from nonconformists.
of 75 votes, 33% like it
|
Walking with scissors is a gateway habit.
of 94 votes, 37% like it
|
|
Let's get metaphysical.
of 87 votes, 47% like it
|
A joke without a punchline is like
of 130 votes, 57% like it
|
Reality needs more sword fights, super powers, and unicorns.
of 91 votes, 47% like it
|
|
Winning isn't everything. There are also fantastic prizes.
of 95 votes, 48% like it
|
It's time to stop comparing modern technology to sliced bread.
of 96 votes, 54% like it
|
Invention is the illegitimate child of necessity and alcohol.
of 90 votes, 36% like it
|
|
Primary colors are full of themselves.
of 89 votes, 47% like it
|
I came, I saw, I slept, I got asked to leave, I argued, I stayed.
of 100 votes, 53% like it
|
(front) Everything (back) revolves (front) around (back) me.
of 87 votes, 39% like it
|
|
I fought off several random encounters just to get here.
of 84 votes, 44% like it
|
Ask me about initiating conversation with strangers.
of 92 votes, 52% like it
|
Dyslexia is hard enough to spell as it is.
of 94 votes, 47% like it
|
|
Schrödinger both was and wasn't a cat person.
of 96 votes, 46% like it
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Synonyms are often redundant, superfluous, avoidable, and wanton.
of 114 votes, 53% like it
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If mathematicians can't give 110%, neither can I.
of 112 votes, 54% like it
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Alarm clocks ruin my best adventures.
of 131 votes, 60% like it
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I may be socially awkward, but you're mumble mumble.
of 102 votes, 50% like it
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Democracy won't work properly until everyone agrees with me.
of 102 votes, 44% like it
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An excess of positive thinking may attract electron clouds.
of 101 votes, 35% like it
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A T-rex ate both my homework and my list of believable excuses.
of 131 votes, 56% like it
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Simon wants you to stop doing everything he says.
of 116 votes, 50% like it
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Rhyming doesn't work all the timing.
of 143 votes, 59% like it
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When life gives you limes, you're in a parallel universe.
of 125 votes, 54% like it
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Sarcasm? Never heard of it.
of 117 votes, 50% like it
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The last time somebody tried to divide by zero, we lost Atlantis.
of 121 votes, 55% like it
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I once caught a fish that was tiny and required exaggeration.
of 116 votes, 54% like it
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Without the sun, ice cream sales would plummet. Also, we'd die.
of 148 votes, 64% like it
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Teach the whales to save themselves.
of 110 votes, 44% like it
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Skepticism rang my doorbell long before opportunity knocked.
of 115 votes, 53% like it
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I'm afraid of heights, as well as lengths, widths, and volume.
of 132 votes, 56% like it
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Most people have fantasies. I have science fictions.
of 114 votes, 53% like it
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The main difference between you and me is the spelling.
of 118 votes, 54% like it
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I conquer dungeons, one pixel at a time.
of 100 votes, 38% like it
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Gravity is a bully. All it does is push people down.
of 115 votes, 50% like it
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If at first you don't succeed, you're incompetent. Let me do it.
of 149 votes, 59% like it
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Old McDonald had a farm until the bank foreclosed his mortgage.
of 118 votes, 48% like it
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Hesitation: the more respectable form of procrastination.
of 139 votes, 55% like it
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Roulette kills 1 out of every 6 Russians.
of 141 votes, 51% like it
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Darwinism kills weaker theories to survive.
of 143 votes, 46% like it
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My internal monologues are longer than yours.
of 157 votes, 45% like it
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Thinking is an outdated fad. The world's moved on to plagiarism.
of 185 votes, 56% like it
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Playing on words can be puncomfortable.
of 165 votes, 43% like it
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God created the universe using science. Everybody wins.
of 244 votes, 68% like it
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Diplomats defuse problems. Scientists diffuse solutions.
of 154 votes, 36% like it
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Flying is easy until the ground attacks you.
of 194 votes, 56% like it
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The harsh laws of physics sunk my battleship.
of 210 votes, 53% like it
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What if hypothetical scenarios didn't exist?
of 286 votes, 66% like it
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Woodchucks lack the opposable thumbs required for chucking wood.
of 229 votes, 53% like it
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Some voices tell me to burn things. Others, to crochet.
of 279 votes, 59% like it
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Flying pigs would solve most of the world's problems.
of 295 votes, 59% like it
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Hail doesn't get enough recognition as a form of precipitation.
of 250 votes, 38% like it
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A doctor a day keeps the economic demand for apples stable.
of 287 votes, 59% like it
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Life is like a box of terrible analogies.
of 362 votes, 69% like it
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Winter: the nudist's natural predator
of 281 votes, 54% like it
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I spy, with my little eye, for the Russian government.
of 297 votes, 50% like it
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Videogames ruined my life. Good thing I have two extra lives.
of 361 votes, 65% like it
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It's not a real labyrinth unless you get mauled by a minotaur.
of 320 votes, 53% like it
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DON'T DO DRUGS. Sell them for fantastic profits.
of 383 votes, 54% like it
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I can read your mind. Right now, you're thinking "no, you can't."
of 439 votes, 65% like it
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There once was an incomplete limerick,
of 352 votes, 46% like it
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It was a dark and stormy night. The author got scared and left.
of 353 votes, 45% like it
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Donkey Kong controls 73% of the barrel industry.
of 337 votes, 42% like it
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Erasing a circle is 360th-degree murder.
of 361 votes, 49% like it
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Freedom is no good; there are bears outside.
of 360 votes, 40% like it
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995 words short of a picture.
of 453 votes, 59% like it
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Put on your monocle and top hat. It's time to get classy.
of 406 votes, 47% like it
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In the real world, rock beats paper.
of 527 votes, 69% like it
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Common sense is no longer common. Irony has taken its place.
of 391 votes, 43% like it
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Time travel is a reality, we just can't change speed or direction
of 458 votes, 41% like it
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Compromises are for people who don't see the fun in arguing.
of 470 votes, 52% like it
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Nothing good ever comes out of an ancient Indian burial ground.
of 502 votes, 43% like it
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My dream house is a pillow fort.
of 510 votes, 45% like it
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I'm allergic to poison.
of 513 votes, 45% like it
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Pain has a very distinct taste. To learn more, eat a bee.
of 512 votes, 43% like it
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I don't know The Muffin Man. Stop asking.
of 533 votes, 42% like it
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I'll keep killing clowns until I find one filled with candy.
of 593 votes, 49% like it
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Zombies: nature's way of pissing off science.
of 587 votes, 45% like it
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Stop destroying our planet. It's where I keep all my stuff.
of 720 votes, 70% like it
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You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a wire.
of 670 votes, 58% like it
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